“I was betrayed but our couple survived”: How did we bounce back from infidelity?
Category : Relationships
The notion of infidelity has changed over time in parallel with the upheaval of values and the evolution of the place of women in society. Most often this act arises from an evolution of the feelings and / or frustrations felt by one of the members or the 2 in an unsatisfactory relationship for various reasons. New technologies (Internet …) facilitate extra-marital encounters which are parallel (often sexual) relationship with the legitimate couple and actively contribute to the increase of this phenomenon. Nonetheless, infidelity remains a violation of the duty of fidelity between spouses which remains a value dear to Western societies. Many therapists disagree on the definition of the word infidelity which can ultimately destroy a couple or strengthen it. Everything will depend on the degree of investment of each in the relationship and its own values.
I offer you 2 testimonies of people who have experienced this painful ordeal. They also explain how their respective couples rebounded.
Witness 1: Myriam 26-year-old couple since 2-year-old mother of a child tells how she struggled through this ordeal and what strategies did she use to overcome her pain and save her couple
Myriam: My companion had an adventure of a few months with a woman met on social networks. At first he made me believe that it was just a “friend” who knew how to listen to him and understood him better than I did. My suspicions were more than grounded because they exchanged Sms and phoned each other very late. I said nothing. I thought it would pass to him but in my corner I was crying. One day I surprised him in full chat on the net, they said how much they held one to the other … I give you the details. Caught in the act, he initially denied then ended up admitting. I put it at the foot of the wall “be cut any contact with her or I leave”. 2 days later he has showed me that he deleted his accounts on social networks but he also changed number to show me his good faith, he said. After this episode, I was no longer the same. Becoming very jealous I doubted his words, I searched his phone and his computer when he was asleep … I lived hell for 6 months. I totally lost confidence in myself. I constantly appeared to her mistress physically and mentally. The subject drew to the surface to each quarrel and I took advantage to make him feel guilty. Tired with all that I decided to get help from professionals. Not having a big budget, I chose the psychological accompaniment by internet. This follow-up of a few weeks allowed me to progress and I ended up forgiving him (without forgetting). My companion and I made the decision together to turn the page in order to resume our relationship on new foundations. We moved into a larger apartment and designed our second child. With hindsight this painful trial has made us stronger and we now know that nothing is gained. We must always fight for what is dear to us.
Witness 2: Jean 40 years old married for 14 years tells his experience of the betrayal of his wife, the strategies adopted to make her react and save their couple.
Jean: My wife had an affair of a few months with a childhood friend and I didn’t see anything coming since she hadn’t changed her habits. I started asking questions because of his increasingly distant attitude and especially his sudden change in dress style and a new perfume. I wasn’t often at home because I had acquired more professional responsibilities than before. I started very early in the morning and finished very late at night. I only saw our children on weekends. During this period our quarrels were more and more common and violent. She reproached me for my repeated absences from home and my lack of attention. I didn’t understand why because I was working harder to improve our living conditions. I forced my wife to make a decision. She chose to stop her affair. Having become very jealous possessive limit following this episode, I felt the need to go see elsewhere. So I had an affair with a co-worker. My wife realized that she was still holding on to me and used all strategies to seduce me again. Together, we decided to follow a couple therapy in order to overcome this ordeal. Following these sessions we forgiven each other and decided to take a fresh start by renewing our vows for our 15 years of marriage.
As you pointed out in these testimonies, infidelity remains a difficult act to conceive But the hardest part is to resume his life in hand after this ordeal.
Some duos privilege the break to redo their lives; others choose to resume their couple in hand. Clearly strategies exist to surpass this period and continue on new foundations:
• Accompaniment of professionals (therapists, psychologists …)
And don’t forget that you decide the changes in your life!
Stephanie CALISTE MANETTE